Truth
Sometimes I yell at my kids. (gasp!) There it is. You know my secret. Though, I suppose it's not much of a secret if you happen to be one of my neighbors.
I adore my children. Adore them. They are funny and entertaining and smart and I thank God that I am able to stay home with them. They are also 4 and 3 and an adult can only handle a certain amount of 4- and 3-year-old conversations before she starts to go a little batty. So, especially when Caleb is gone and for the tenth night in a row I have said, "Yes, this really is our dinner," and "Yes, I'm serious that you have to pick up your toys again tonight" and "Yes, I know you had a bath last night but you need one tonight, too," I sometimes yell. I feel invisible, unimportant, and a wee bit crazy. I feel like throwing my hands in the air and exclaiming, as my dad would say, "Am I here right now?!" And when I yell, it gets their attention.
I admit that it isn't the best way to handle things. They just sometimes get the best of me. So, I say a little prayer, tell the kids that I shouldn't have yelled and that I am feeling frustrated that they aren't listening, and then we move on with whatever the issue was. Then I often end up yelling again and starting all over. I pray daily for patience and I slowly see an improvement. My kids are not scarred for life because I occasionally snap at them. We are all forgiven and connected and laughing a few minutes later.
But something else happens. Something really bad. Something not based in truth.
I start to doubt myself. I think, "You aren't cut out for this." I wonder how much J & E will have to pay their therapists someday. I think that the new kids are going to show up and feel like they got totally hosed...if they ever do show up because we probably aren't even going to pass the home study because I am such a horrible mother.
I am wasting precious moments of my life because I'm stuck in the regret of a choice I've made. I play out how it could have gone differently or how it will go next time. We have to get out of our own heads! I'm not alone in this; I've talked to too many mommas who feel the exact same way. We are missing out on life...beautiful, hilarious, painful, real life because we're having conversations with ourselves. And y'all know this isn't about yelling at the kids. It's about the tough choice we should make about our jobs, the conversations we should have with the friend who is in trouble, the mistake we made the college. It's about waking up every day in a life that we didn't expect. It's about forgiving our past and conquering our present. Carpe diem. Open the gates and seize the day.
Will you stand with me in truth? As I write this, I want to be honest with you. This is my outlet through a long, emotional journey and I want to get out of my head. What are you lying to yourself about? What risk have you not taken because of fear? Let's live our lives based on TRUTH, not on our crazy thoughts. What are your flaws? Let's be honest with each other and live like we were made to live. Am I not going to go through with this adoption because I sometimes yell at my kids? Do you hear how crazy that sounds?!
Take a risk today, friends. Take your thoughts captive. Give yourself a break, a little chocolate, and a lot of forgiveness. Yell, then apologize. Be who you are, even when it all gets to be too much. Mess up, start over, and move on. Live your truth.
I adore my children. Adore them. They are funny and entertaining and smart and I thank God that I am able to stay home with them. They are also 4 and 3 and an adult can only handle a certain amount of 4- and 3-year-old conversations before she starts to go a little batty. So, especially when Caleb is gone and for the tenth night in a row I have said, "Yes, this really is our dinner," and "Yes, I'm serious that you have to pick up your toys again tonight" and "Yes, I know you had a bath last night but you need one tonight, too," I sometimes yell. I feel invisible, unimportant, and a wee bit crazy. I feel like throwing my hands in the air and exclaiming, as my dad would say, "Am I here right now?!" And when I yell, it gets their attention.
I admit that it isn't the best way to handle things. They just sometimes get the best of me. So, I say a little prayer, tell the kids that I shouldn't have yelled and that I am feeling frustrated that they aren't listening, and then we move on with whatever the issue was. Then I often end up yelling again and starting all over. I pray daily for patience and I slowly see an improvement. My kids are not scarred for life because I occasionally snap at them. We are all forgiven and connected and laughing a few minutes later.
But something else happens. Something really bad. Something not based in truth.
I start to doubt myself. I think, "You aren't cut out for this." I wonder how much J & E will have to pay their therapists someday. I think that the new kids are going to show up and feel like they got totally hosed...if they ever do show up because we probably aren't even going to pass the home study because I am such a horrible mother.
I am wasting precious moments of my life because I'm stuck in the regret of a choice I've made. I play out how it could have gone differently or how it will go next time. We have to get out of our own heads! I'm not alone in this; I've talked to too many mommas who feel the exact same way. We are missing out on life...beautiful, hilarious, painful, real life because we're having conversations with ourselves. And y'all know this isn't about yelling at the kids. It's about the tough choice we should make about our jobs, the conversations we should have with the friend who is in trouble, the mistake we made the college. It's about waking up every day in a life that we didn't expect. It's about forgiving our past and conquering our present. Carpe diem. Open the gates and seize the day.
Will you stand with me in truth? As I write this, I want to be honest with you. This is my outlet through a long, emotional journey and I want to get out of my head. What are you lying to yourself about? What risk have you not taken because of fear? Let's live our lives based on TRUTH, not on our crazy thoughts. What are your flaws? Let's be honest with each other and live like we were made to live. Am I not going to go through with this adoption because I sometimes yell at my kids? Do you hear how crazy that sounds?!
Take a risk today, friends. Take your thoughts captive. Give yourself a break, a little chocolate, and a lot of forgiveness. Yell, then apologize. Be who you are, even when it all gets to be too much. Mess up, start over, and move on. Live your truth.
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