Back To School

My kids are starting school this week. Let me rephrase. My kids are starting PREschool this week. School before school. Really, it's not even a real thing.  It's only in the mornings. 

And I can't stop crying.

Disclaimer: I am notorious for being upset about things way too early. I have some high school friends who would tell you that I cried on the bus ride home from our last basketball game freshman year because high school was "almost a quarter of the way over" and we would "never ride the bus as freshmen again."  

I stand by that. I was stating a FACT.

So, yes, I am overly emotional and *slightly* dramatic. You have been given your grain of salt.

I feel like I am dropping Jack off at college. Or watching Caleb walk Elliott down the aisle. I can't even handle it. It's over. My time with them is over. It hasn't been enough.

Have I prepared them?

Have we made enough memories?

Have I done too much for them? Babied them? Not done enough? 

Are they ready?

Am I ready?

I have spent my evenings this week crying and praying and thinking and here's where I am...

1) While it may be over-the-top, it's ok for me to feel this way. As my gorgeous, beyond fabulous, soulmate friend/surrogate big sister says, "Feelings are real and they are important. But they are not truth." (That's good, right?! Don't give her too much credit...she stole it from someone.)  It's ok that I'm overwhelmed. But it's not truth. I don't know how much time I have with J & E. School has nothing to do with it. 

The truth is that they may not be prepared. But that's what life is for. The truth is that we hug and laugh (and yell) every single day. Because that's what life is. The truth is that I have to slowly let go of our tether. Because God takes care of them much better than I ever will. The truth is that our time isn't over yet. And I will likely spend many Augusts counting down the days until school starts again.

2) We have children in Bulgaria who I wish, so badly, I were crying over just because they were starting school. Nothing else. No pain. No past. Just the basic "mommy's going to miss you" tears.  Such sweet simplicity we take for granted.

3) This might just be all about me. What kind of mom do I want to be? I want my kids to be happy and funny and well-adjusted and well-liked. I want them to have good, supportive friends and friends' parents who are involved and know what's going on with their kids. I want them to be hard-working students with plenty of wise and healthy after-school activities to keep them busy. 

But I also want them to reach out to the kids who are hurting. To stand up for the little guy even if it means they are ridiculed. I want them to do what is right and loving in God's eyes even when it's lame and pathetic in friends' eyes. 

How do I teach that? Am I like that? Who do I defend? Have I failed to give my kids that example while putting those expectations on them? 

Maybe this anxiety comes from not being who I want to be yet. 

And the relief comes from knowing that J & E & new kids will spend their entire lives finding out who they are and who they want to be. That is their journey. I don't have to figure that out for them. And I certainly don't have to during preschool. Goodness, I don't even think it's cool that we expect 18-year-olds to choose a major. Do you know how many careers are out there?! I digress...

And, so, they're off to (pre)school. They're on to their own friends, activities, choices. E has sworn off bows in the past two weeks and I'm basically heartbroken. J rolls his eyes every time I try to hug him. They are growing up and growing into their true selves. Identities that will change as life goes on.

And, ultimately, that's what we want. Lord knows these fools are not sleeping in our basement when they're 28. (Caleb says 19. We have some time to negotiate specifics.) But just because you want something doesn't mean it won't hurt along the way. The best things in life might even break our hearts the most. 

But that's a whole other post...