Home Study wrap-up
I need to be honest with you.
I did not enjoy this weekend.
1) It was a crazy thunderstorm when Abby arrived at the house and I am 100% positive she didn't even notice the flowers. The ones I have been WATERING for WEEKS.
2) It was t-i-r-i-n-g. So tiring.
Going into it, I didn't feel anxious or nervous or any of that, because there was no reason to be. But then we started talking. And I found it exhausting. Talking about your "opportunities for growth" with a complete stranger who basically has your future family in her hands is unsettling. I was emotionally exhausted from Friday evening until, well, now.
Our social worker was great and kind and knowledgeable and shared some wonderful insights about adoption. She brought to our attention some things to consider, common challenges in adoption, the fact that I want to control everything but can't (blah, blah, blah), and she was sweet with the kids. She did a great job and treated us very well.
The problem lies in me. I don't want to just be approved for adoption. I want the report to say that we are the BEST PARENTS EVER and we should get ALL THE KIDS. ALL OF THEM! And we're FUNNY! SO, SO FUNNY! As mentioned, I want to be in control. I want to know everything and hear about all the tough stuff so that I am prepared. I drive myself crazy thinking of all of the possibilities. It's goes beyond being informed. It comes from a place of "if I know about it, I can control it."
And do you know what that is? A ridiculous amount of pressure. For something that is never going to happen. Because we aren't the best parents ever. And we shouldn't get all the kids. (Can you even imagine?!) And I won't be completely prepared and I won't be able to control everything.
We are really funny, though...I do fully expect that to be included in the report...
So, I swallowed my pride and (tried to) quit trying to impress. I don't want to control my kids, anyway. I want to help them grow into the best people they can be. That doesn't happen by controlling them, but by giving them freedom. And I really don't want to be perfect, because that's not truth. And I want OUR kids, not kids who are supposed to be with perfect parents. (If you are those perfect parents, will you please call me? I have a couple of questions.) I am flawed and anxious and Jesus loves me, this I know. So let's all move on. Once I let down my guard, the conversation was easier and more helpful. Being vulnerable benefits everyone.
And, for now, it's over. We "passed." We laughed a lot, (I) cried a little, and we both felt drained. We sat in bed last night and second-guessed things we said, compared answers, and drank wine. Caleb is working today, our 7th anniversary. So, we celebrated last night by being completely awed at where we are and wondering where we will be in 7 more. God is good. Life is fun. Caleb is funny. And I love this picture for many reasons.
I feel relieved and excited and so, so thankful for the prayers and support you gave us this week. I'll give you a big hug the next time I see you. And if you drive past my house, feel free to stop and water the flowers. Because I am done with that nonsense.
I did not enjoy this weekend.
1) It was a crazy thunderstorm when Abby arrived at the house and I am 100% positive she didn't even notice the flowers. The ones I have been WATERING for WEEKS.
2) It was t-i-r-i-n-g. So tiring.
Going into it, I didn't feel anxious or nervous or any of that, because there was no reason to be. But then we started talking. And I found it exhausting. Talking about your "opportunities for growth" with a complete stranger who basically has your future family in her hands is unsettling. I was emotionally exhausted from Friday evening until, well, now.
Our social worker was great and kind and knowledgeable and shared some wonderful insights about adoption. She brought to our attention some things to consider, common challenges in adoption, the fact that I want to control everything but can't (blah, blah, blah), and she was sweet with the kids. She did a great job and treated us very well.
The problem lies in me. I don't want to just be approved for adoption. I want the report to say that we are the BEST PARENTS EVER and we should get ALL THE KIDS. ALL OF THEM! And we're FUNNY! SO, SO FUNNY! As mentioned, I want to be in control. I want to know everything and hear about all the tough stuff so that I am prepared. I drive myself crazy thinking of all of the possibilities. It's goes beyond being informed. It comes from a place of "if I know about it, I can control it."
And do you know what that is? A ridiculous amount of pressure. For something that is never going to happen. Because we aren't the best parents ever. And we shouldn't get all the kids. (Can you even imagine?!) And I won't be completely prepared and I won't be able to control everything.
We are really funny, though...I do fully expect that to be included in the report...
So, I swallowed my pride and (tried to) quit trying to impress. I don't want to control my kids, anyway. I want to help them grow into the best people they can be. That doesn't happen by controlling them, but by giving them freedom. And I really don't want to be perfect, because that's not truth. And I want OUR kids, not kids who are supposed to be with perfect parents. (If you are those perfect parents, will you please call me? I have a couple of questions.) I am flawed and anxious and Jesus loves me, this I know. So let's all move on. Once I let down my guard, the conversation was easier and more helpful. Being vulnerable benefits everyone.
And, for now, it's over. We "passed." We laughed a lot, (I) cried a little, and we both felt drained. We sat in bed last night and second-guessed things we said, compared answers, and drank wine. Caleb is working today, our 7th anniversary. So, we celebrated last night by being completely awed at where we are and wondering where we will be in 7 more. God is good. Life is fun. Caleb is funny. And I love this picture for many reasons.
I feel relieved and excited and so, so thankful for the prayers and support you gave us this week. I'll give you a big hug the next time I see you. And if you drive past my house, feel free to stop and water the flowers. Because I am done with that nonsense.
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