Cocooning
When we get home with our new little love we will implement a technique that in the adoption world is called "cocooning." In very simple terms it just means being the only one who meets the new child's needs. Some people don't go anywhere for months. Others go about their daily lives like normal but don't let others care for their child. It's about finding the balance that works for you and your family and the grief and adjustment of your new addition.
Using big, broad generalizations, children who have spent their early years in an orphanage,
in foster care,
in any kind of environment where caregivers are inconsistent or numerous or abusive,
where needs are not always met,
where attention is lacking
have to learn what it means to be in a family.
Neglected, abused, traumatized kids need to learn that mom and dad will take care of them--physically and emotionally. They need to learn that parents are supposed to fill this role. They need to learn that parents can be trusted and that parents are different from other adults. They need to know what parents are, what parents are supposed to be.
One of the ways that children can learn this is through "cocooning." Think about when you have a newborn baby straight from the hospital. You snuggle the baby, you feed the baby, you go to the baby when he cries. The baby learns this face, this smell, this voice, this body will protect me, comfort me, love me. I am safe with this person.
When that is not learned a child's brain actually changes. It physically develops in a different way. I am not safe. I am not loved. My needs will not be met. It is me against the world. There is no one I can trust.
Cocooning works to rewire this learning. It helps the child regress to that infant state and lets the brain figure out these people WILL meet my needs. I AM safe. I CAN let go and trust.
For this to happen, Caleb and I must be the only caregivers for a while. I don't know how long. We will be constantly evaluating attachment and progress. Eventually sweet boy will learn that mom and dad are different from other adults.
But for now, we need to be the only ones who
comfort him,
feed him,
hold him.
If you are around us regularly, please ask us any questions you have. We want to have open conversations about this and make everyone feel comfortable. The priority is teaching our new son to come to us with his needs and not to hold them in or to go to someone else. To teach him that we are safe and loving and he can trust us forever. Your role in supporting us through this looks like:
-patience with all of us!
-high-fives, waves, pats on the back, talking to Seth
-avoid giving him any food or comfort or excessive snuggles
-redirect him to Caleb or I if he seeks you out
-say "Let's ask mom/dad" if he wants something from you
We are so excited to teach Seth what it means to be in a FAMILY. Thank you for supporting us along the way!
in foster care,
in any kind of environment where caregivers are inconsistent or numerous or abusive,
where needs are not always met,
where attention is lacking
have to learn what it means to be in a family.
Neglected, abused, traumatized kids need to learn that mom and dad will take care of them--physically and emotionally. They need to learn that parents are supposed to fill this role. They need to learn that parents can be trusted and that parents are different from other adults. They need to know what parents are, what parents are supposed to be.
One of the ways that children can learn this is through "cocooning." Think about when you have a newborn baby straight from the hospital. You snuggle the baby, you feed the baby, you go to the baby when he cries. The baby learns this face, this smell, this voice, this body will protect me, comfort me, love me. I am safe with this person.
When that is not learned a child's brain actually changes. It physically develops in a different way. I am not safe. I am not loved. My needs will not be met. It is me against the world. There is no one I can trust.
Cocooning works to rewire this learning. It helps the child regress to that infant state and lets the brain figure out these people WILL meet my needs. I AM safe. I CAN let go and trust.
For this to happen, Caleb and I must be the only caregivers for a while. I don't know how long. We will be constantly evaluating attachment and progress. Eventually sweet boy will learn that mom and dad are different from other adults.
But for now, we need to be the only ones who
comfort him,
feed him,
hold him.
If you are around us regularly, please ask us any questions you have. We want to have open conversations about this and make everyone feel comfortable. The priority is teaching our new son to come to us with his needs and not to hold them in or to go to someone else. To teach him that we are safe and loving and he can trust us forever. Your role in supporting us through this looks like:
-patience with all of us!
-high-fives, waves, pats on the back, talking to Seth
-avoid giving him any food or comfort or excessive snuggles
-redirect him to Caleb or I if he seeks you out
-say "Let's ask mom/dad" if he wants something from you
We are so excited to teach Seth what it means to be in a FAMILY. Thank you for supporting us along the way!
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